Maybe in chemistry we learnt - reversible and irreversible chemical reactions.
We always hear "A word once uttered, cannot be taken back"..This is something people like me need to repeat every day... lest they unleash their sharp tongues and hurt hearts.
Likewise so many things cannot be reversed.. a broken heart.. and so many things.
Sometimes when I look at people my age I feel sad. I look old and shrivelled and worn out. My face defies my age... My skin.. my hair.. everything. I look horrible in pics. I don't have one decent pic to put on FB. My friends who know me and like me, like me the way I am.. for what I am. Even my spouse is ok (though everyone would love to see me fit).Sometimes... just sometimes I feel bad.. that I cannot wear the clothes that are designed well.. I believe I have a wonderful taste in clothes.. elegant and classy.. but, my face and body would not permit me to wear those. I'd look like Karuppayi in Dolce Gabbana. Not that Karuppayi has no right to wear D&G.. I wouldn't even fit into clothes.. I look at some old pics.. even if I were fat.. if I had my same old face, I'd have fared better. I wish so many things did not happen to me. When you think deep, the horror of my face is just a simple thing. There were other things - like ovarian failure.. my body reacting strongly to so many things.. The inability to bear a child affects almost every woman - strong or weak, literate or illiterate, working or non-working, urban or rural - alike.
Whether to have a baby or not, is a question that plagues me every month when I am ovulating. My doc says I am ovulating fine. But - are my eggs good? Are they good enough to produce a healthy embryo and a healthy baby? Can I conceive naturally? If so, can I carry off the baby in my womb for 9 months safely? Will the baby carry my cancerous genes?
Last time when I conceived with IVF, every day was living hell. I could not sleep.
I have no symptoms of pregnancy. I felt horrible.. Is this the way to conceive? Shouldn't it happen naturally? Shouldn't my body give me symptoms that something big is happening inside?
What kind of pregnancy is this, without any symptoms where every single thing is artificially induced? I felt gross abt having to go thru IVF...all that waiting at hospitals...all the money spent... all the hours of agony...
Now.. it appears as if I am ovulating.. I have to make this life altering decision of whether to have a baby or not. It's an emotionally sucking thing to do.
I donno whether I want to go ahead with the baby thing at all.. I want to save whatever is left of me.. so that I can lead a better life.. Yes, we all face crisis and we're put into very awkward situations which u don't deserve to be in.. and we face them also.. but do these things not affect you at all??? At some level, they change your personality.. I feel.. and you can never be the same as you were...
We always hear "A word once uttered, cannot be taken back"..This is something people like me need to repeat every day... lest they unleash their sharp tongues and hurt hearts.
Likewise so many things cannot be reversed.. a broken heart.. and so many things.
Sometimes when I look at people my age I feel sad. I look old and shrivelled and worn out. My face defies my age... My skin.. my hair.. everything. I look horrible in pics. I don't have one decent pic to put on FB. My friends who know me and like me, like me the way I am.. for what I am. Even my spouse is ok (though everyone would love to see me fit).Sometimes... just sometimes I feel bad.. that I cannot wear the clothes that are designed well.. I believe I have a wonderful taste in clothes.. elegant and classy.. but, my face and body would not permit me to wear those. I'd look like Karuppayi in Dolce Gabbana. Not that Karuppayi has no right to wear D&G.. I wouldn't even fit into clothes.. I look at some old pics.. even if I were fat.. if I had my same old face, I'd have fared better. I wish so many things did not happen to me. When you think deep, the horror of my face is just a simple thing. There were other things - like ovarian failure.. my body reacting strongly to so many things.. The inability to bear a child affects almost every woman - strong or weak, literate or illiterate, working or non-working, urban or rural - alike.
Whether to have a baby or not, is a question that plagues me every month when I am ovulating. My doc says I am ovulating fine. But - are my eggs good? Are they good enough to produce a healthy embryo and a healthy baby? Can I conceive naturally? If so, can I carry off the baby in my womb for 9 months safely? Will the baby carry my cancerous genes?
Last time when I conceived with IVF, every day was living hell. I could not sleep.
I have no symptoms of pregnancy. I felt horrible.. Is this the way to conceive? Shouldn't it happen naturally? Shouldn't my body give me symptoms that something big is happening inside?
What kind of pregnancy is this, without any symptoms where every single thing is artificially induced? I felt gross abt having to go thru IVF...all that waiting at hospitals...all the money spent... all the hours of agony...
Now.. it appears as if I am ovulating.. I have to make this life altering decision of whether to have a baby or not. It's an emotionally sucking thing to do.
I donno whether I want to go ahead with the baby thing at all.. I want to save whatever is left of me.. so that I can lead a better life.. Yes, we all face crisis and we're put into very awkward situations which u don't deserve to be in.. and we face them also.. but do these things not affect you at all??? At some level, they change your personality.. I feel.. and you can never be the same as you were...
My parents are willing to go for surrogacy (and fund it), and everyone else also is.. But I am not.
I cannot bear that much injustice in life.. Despite
trying so much why is it that I cannot have my own baby? Also, I cannot
accompany that woman to every scan... and not break down..The doctors
here recommend that you come over for the monthly scans of your
surrogate. They are doing a noble job and for the desperate ones, IVF
and surrogacy is a godsend. I know people who are so thankful to their
surrogates for helping them have a baby, which they otherwise may never
have. But mein tho aise character nahi hoon.. I am pretty selfish abt
that.. and I won't be able to take it that way...I'm not that much into babies... I don't have a deep longing like my
co-sister has, to have a baby. So, I will not make a good mom if I have a
baby using a surrogate. I will never be able to think of it as mine...
So, for now.. I am not doing anything..
I don't want to break whatever is left of me, anymore... Then, there
will be no person left... It's not worth doing such things.. To each of
us, our lives and our happiness and emotional balance should be top
priority... I don't want to take up challenges just for kicks and end up broken inside... Of all things on earth, what matters most is this emotional balance that gives me courage, the right perspective, clarity and happiness.. So, though some part of me nags me to try for a baby, I am going to choose emotional sanity over a baby.... You need to let go.. of some of your wishes...
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